At the beginning of March, I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my marriage to my prince charming. Now, to be fair, he didn’t rescue me on a white horse or climb up a castle tower, but, he may as well have.
After a few failed relationships that ended in heartache and my questioning my own sanity – I tended to gravitate toward those that would manipulate me and force me to doubt my own understanding of reality – I was hesitant to get into another serious relationship. I had been engaged twice before. My relationships were tumultuous on again, off again relationships. I have a few moments imprinted where I remember thinking, “Is there a video camera somewhere? Am I on a soap opera? A Lifetime movie?” It was enough to make me question my value, my worth, and my purpose. I often felt like a plaything that people would test to see how far they could push or pull me.
Some will say, I should have left long before it was over. I agree. But in those moments, the thought that often crept into my mind were the words that I had heard many times at church, “Forgive and Forget”. “We are called to forgive as we have been forgiven.” “How many times? Seventy times 7.” Over and over, I gave permission to men to treat me poorly. I would forgive, and forgive, and forgive, believing that I was doing what God wanted me to do.
I won’t go into the details of all of the ways that I was disrespected here, but I was definitely left feeling worthless whenever I finally found the strength to walk away.
I started seeing a counselor in the middle of one of these relationships. While I now strongly disagree with some of things she advised or encouraged, there were a few things that put me on the path that I needed to be on to be able to walk away and get on the path of healing. She recommended a book, “The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie. It’s a book I still own, and a book I often recommend. It’s a powerful tool that helps with the mindset of letting go of codependent thoughts and behaviors. I have picked it up many times through the years. Because even though I am in a healthy relationship now, I sometimes find myself slipping into old patterns. The book helps pull my focus back to where I need it to be.
I was in one of those on again, off again relationships when I met my husband. We met at a church startup. He was there because the pastor that was in our area to start the church, had ministered to him during his time in college.
I was there because my dad was looking for new ministry opportunities as a musician. I was invited to be a part of their worship launch team, though I had zero interest in changing churches. We met during the week in the evening in the months and weeks leading up to the launch and Matt and I became friends. He was cute. My friend would often tag along and we would go to dinner or just hang out together.
One Saturday afternoon, I was talking with Matt on the phone. I really thought Matt had called to ask me to dinner. So, I said, “So, are we going to dinner?” Matt said, “Sure.” And he came to pick me up about an hour later and the rest is history.
We dated for about 8 months and then Matt proposed. It was an easy yes. While our relationship has not always been easy, it has been such a blessing. Matt has been patient and supportive in ways I never could have imagined given my previous failed relationships.
If you are in an abusive relationship, get help. This is not God’s plan for you! God does not love the concept of marriage more than He loves YOU! To seek help in your area, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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